Brian Reade column: Yaya Toure 's birthday moans takes the cake in world of footballer excuses

For the benefit of agents stuck for ways to navigate a player towards their club's exit, here’s how I imagine the phone call which sparked the story went...

Ha-ha Toure: Star's apparent outrage over City blanking his birthday is laughable


YAYA: So, what’s this year’s plan to get me back to Barcelona, Dad?

AGENT: I’m thinking 'lack of love'. There’s not enough Yaya shirts in the club shop or pictures of you around the ground etc...

YAYA: You used that last year and all we got was a pay rise. Come on. One more year and Barca mightn’t want me. It was my 31st birthday last week.

AGENT: How did that go?

YAYA: I don’t want to talk about it.

AGENT: What’s up?

YAYA: It was the cake City got me. It wasn’t.... y'know..

AGENT: Are you saying it wasn’t Postman Pat? But they know you love to pick the yellow Smarties off the top of his sponge van.

YAYA: I didn’t get a Jess The Cat “31 Today” badge either.

AGENT: The heartless b******s. How about when you landed in Abu Dhabi? No bouncy castle?

(SILENCE)

AGENT: No chocolate fountain or pinata? Tell me they gave you a pinata to hit?

(SILENCE).

Okay. If the sheikhs didn’t give you the bumps at the airport, we’ve got them for emotional negligence.

YAYA: Nobody even shook my hand.



AGENT: (PUTS CONVERSATION ON CONFERENCE CALL WITH JOURNALIST IN LONDON) When it was Roberto Carlos’ birthday, the president of Anzhi gave him a Bugatti. I don’t expect City to present you with a Bugatti, we only ask that they shake your hand. It shows they don’t care about Yaya. It is really, really sick. (ENDS CONFERENCE CALL WITH JOURNALIST).

YAYA: So, what’s the line?

AGENT: Forget lack of love. This year it’s lack of respect. Tweet that everything I say is true and that you’ll explain after the World Cup, which you will now try to focus on despite the deep pain. That gives us a chance to make up some more stories of neglect. And next year we celebrate your birthday at the Nou Camp. Agreed?

YAYA: Can you get Postman Pat cakes there?

AGENT: Indeed, my son. And all the Smarties are yellow.

YAYA: Agreed.

By Brian Reade, Read More Mirror UK